Useless Mutant Powers

X-muppets

2011-05-17T14:22:00.001-07:00

Via ClusterFlock

Something about me loves my childhood meeting my teenage nerdery. If only it were real.

If Superheroes Were Hipsters

2010-09-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

From College Humor

The Actual Pinball Wizard

2010-03-05T22:03:00.000-08:00

The Actual Pinball Wizard suffered a great injustice throughout his life.

His mutant power, freakish skills at pinball, would instantly remind people of 70's rock band The Who and their "Pinball Wizard" song. Much like the Michael Bolton character from Office Space, The Actual Pinball Wizard hated the apt titled song. His blood pressure would rise when asked if he was "a deaf dumb and blind kid" which inevitably always happened after introducing himself at mutant parties. Teenage mutants can be so cruel.

Despite his poor name The Actual Pinball Wizard did have one moment of glory. When the gate that separates hell and earth was torn during the "Satan Is Going to Fuck Shit Up" series Professor X read the mind of one of Satan's minions who he found out could not resist taking bets on games of skill.

The Actual Pinball Wizard pwnd Satan's minion, scoring Professor Xavier $50 and a day long truce between good and evil.

That night Satan snuck into the Actual Pinball Wizard's room and made him suffer 'death of a thousand paper cuts' - which we are told isn't as bad as the name suggests.

And that was the tale of The Actual Pinball Wizard - who died giving the X-Men a day off and a $50 bottle of nice whiskey.

Top Ten Lamest Mega Man Bosses

2010-03-05T21:54:00.000-08:00

Vote On What Mutant Power You Want

2008-03-05T16:18:00.001-08:00

Click below to get to the site to do the voting.

clipped from io9.com

What Law Of Physics Would You Like To Be Able To Suspend?

Science fiction and comics are full of mutants and aliens whose superpowers defy various laws of physics. Shape-changers who can alter their mass, people who can fly -- in space, even! -- and guys who can produce extreme cold or heat on cue. But in real life, the ability to negate just one of the laws of physics, whenever you felt like it, could turn you into a god. Which law of physics would you like to have a personal on/off switch for?

Accento - Killing You Softly With His Words

2007-11-28T12:28:00.000-08:00

Accento was born Robert Frankstien in 1976 in a small suburb outside of Baltimore. It was 1988 while in elementrary school that he was double-dog-dared to take on local bully James Pecan in a tongue-twister battle of Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickles. That fateful battle would eventually put him on the world map.

Just as it seemed Robert was defeated, he looked deep inside himself and in a Dragon Ball-Z moment unleashed his full power. He then performed the Piper tongue twister followed seamlessly with Six sick slick slim sycamore saplings, A box of biscuits, a batch of mixed biscuits, A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.......

and just as his hair began to stand on end, he went into warp speed and shouted.

Betty Botter had some butter,
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter--
that would make my batter better."

So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.

Robert Frankstien died that day, and Accento was born.

Accento went on to produce three number one selling rap albumns. Hordes of women would flock to him after shows from the rumor of his mutant-powered tongue strength. Accento was on top of the world. It seemed nothing could stop him. Unfortunatly, his mutant stength proved useless in battle.

In a rage of jealousy 50-cent killed Accento with three glock-9 shots to the chest, stating "thake that you sthilly bith." Accento died at the age of 31. At his funeral the Micro-Machines guy showed up and paid his respects.

Perspiron: Pore Control Extradoinare

2007-11-16T15:04:00.000-08:00

It took some convincing on the part of Perspiron to prove his claimed ability. An in-depth interview in the meat refrigeration unit to truly observe the quality of his powers. After coming to terms with and learning how to control his porous capability, he was actually able to make quite good use of it. Now, the interesting part of his "ability" was that it had absolutely no effect on others. Perspiron had the unique trait of being able to completely control the output AND input of his pores. Imagine battling someone that was so lubricated with their own sweat, making it near impossible to have any kind of solid grip. Granted, when battling other mutants with powers that defied the laws of known physics, it might not be the most helpful asset. On the other, more human side of things, wrestling, basketball, boxing would be seemingly impossible, or at the very least an extreme nuisance against someone that sweat to the beat of a bathtub of K-Y.

At the age of 29, Perspiron was banned from the world of competitive sports and after a dramatically failed attempt at bottling and marketing his own output, Perspiron decided to take his own life. The guest speaker at his funeral was Patrick Ewing, one of the sweatiest Knicks to ever play the game and a great admirer of Perspiron's career.

Turfman

2007-11-04T19:56:00.000-08:00

Ask almost any mutant about Turfman and you'll get one of two responses. 1) "Who?" or 2) "Yeah. Harmless." It was this second response that led to his untimely demise. T-man's skill set consisted of making sure that any planned battle between Magneto's crew and Professor X's would be on the most plush of terrains. Yes, that's right. Turfman was blessed with the seemingly underwhelming ability to produce 5x5 sheets of luscious, green astro-turf at will. You might think of him as the grounds keeper of the ongoing saga that would determine the future of our planet. That's at least how he saw himself.

Sadly, as we all know, there are very few battles that are planned out as such. I mean, if he was around for the Sharks Vs. the Jets, he probably would've been pumped about knowing where and when said fight would take place. He'd get an average of a job a month doing what he felt was a service to all mutants. This lasted through the latter part of his teen years but as work became less consistent (mainly due to the consistent travel of most big shot mutants) he found a career in the sports world. He had success utilizing his powers in the human realm, but yet again, there came a time when no more new stadiums were being built and the satisfaction he once had, providing a comfortable fighting ground, had been lost.

Turfman was lucky enough to die doing what he loved best. In an epic battle between Colossus and Juggernaut, Turfman noticed that two of his 5x5 squares were curling at the corners. Without even bothering to look around, he made a mad dash out to the field only to have his skull stepped on by a trouncing Juggernaut. After the battle, no one even noticed.

Another Useless Mutant Power Duo

2007-11-02T13:47:00.000-07:00

It looks like Kevin Rose and Alex from Digg are looking to become useless super heroes too.

"I am looking for some artist to help me finish this graphic novel. This graphic novel is 120 page story. I have broken up all the arcs to be separate issues. As of right now—I have five artists working on their issues. But I need four more people to help finish this comic book."

Lintel - The Man Who Could Lint You To Death

2007-10-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

Lintel was a quiet kid. He didn't bother anybody in highschool. Mostly, he went unoticed. It wasn't until he was doing laundry in his dorm room freshmen year of college that he discovered a terrible secret. He could control lint particles. Although he could not create lint from nothing, he could control all lint in his vicinity. The X-Men found Lintel to be useful as their resident clothes cleaner. They discovered that clothes don't actually need to be washed. If you can remove the lint from them they will be just as clean as if you sent them to the cleaners.

Upon this discovery Lintel opened up a store that promised to clean non-mutant clothes better than anybody else could clean them. People with stains came from all over the world to have lintel work his magic. The store did wonders for mutant-human relations. Then Toad came and killed Lintel. Lintel put up a fight. Well, actually he put up a wall of lint to try to block Toad. But then Toad just jumped over it and squashed Lint.

The X-Men mourend for two hours, then used Yelp.com to find a new cleaners.

Sniffles: Could Give You A Stuffy Nose Instantly

2007-09-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

Sniffles was a mutant with incredible power. He couldn't give people colds, but he could stuff their nose instantly, forcing his opponents to breath out of their mouths.

In one fatal battle with Sabertooth, Sniffles unleashed the full extent of his power. While Sabertooth had him in a mortal bear hug, Sniffles raised his arm (which could bench an impressive 68 pounds) and placed it on Sabertooth's face -- causing his his nose to stuff and his ears to fill with wax. At first Sabertooth seemed unfazed, until the post-nasal drip forced him to gag and spit up snot.

While trying to run away, Sabertooth threw a car on Sniffles, killing him instantly. The funeral was attended by four people.

Useless Power #1

2007-06-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

The ability to grow hair on your fingernails and toenails.

Possessed by: Stubles

Although useless in batttle Stubles was an important member of the X-Foundation, the nonprofit set up to house and protect mutants with powers that were absolutetly useless to fight.

Stubles would often entertain guests by making the hair grow from his fingernails while putting his finger close to his nose -- making it appear as if his nose hair was just really long.

Stubles died from suffocation while performing this trick.