Something about me loves my childhood meeting my teenage nerdery. If only it were real.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
The Actual Pinball Wizard
The Actual Pinball Wizard suffered a great injustice throughout his life.
His mutant power, freakish skills at pinball, would instantly remind people of 70's rock band The Who and their "Pinball Wizard" song. Much like the Michael Bolton character from Office Space, The Actual Pinball Wizard hated the apt titled song. His blood pressure would rise when asked if he was "a deaf dumb and blind kid" which inevitably always happened after introducing himself at mutant parties. Teenage mutants can be so cruel.
Despite his poor name The Actual Pinball Wizard did have one moment of glory. When the gate that separates hell and earth was torn during the "Satan Is Going to Fuck Shit Up" series Professor X read the mind of one of Satan's minions who he found out could not resist taking bets on games of skill.
The Actual Pinball Wizard pwnd Satan's minion, scoring Professor Xavier $50 and a day long truce between good and evil.
That night Satan snuck into the Actual Pinball Wizard's room and made him suffer 'death of a thousand paper cuts' - which we are told isn't as bad as the name suggests.
And that was the tale of The Actual Pinball Wizard - who died giving the X-Men a day off and a $50 bottle of nice whiskey.
His mutant power, freakish skills at pinball, would instantly remind people of 70's rock band The Who and their "Pinball Wizard" song. Much like the Michael Bolton character from Office Space, The Actual Pinball Wizard hated the apt titled song. His blood pressure would rise when asked if he was "a deaf dumb and blind kid" which inevitably always happened after introducing himself at mutant parties. Teenage mutants can be so cruel.
Despite his poor name The Actual Pinball Wizard did have one moment of glory. When the gate that separates hell and earth was torn during the "Satan Is Going to Fuck Shit Up" series Professor X read the mind of one of Satan's minions who he found out could not resist taking bets on games of skill.
The Actual Pinball Wizard pwnd Satan's minion, scoring Professor Xavier $50 and a day long truce between good and evil.
That night Satan snuck into the Actual Pinball Wizard's room and made him suffer 'death of a thousand paper cuts' - which we are told isn't as bad as the name suggests.
And that was the tale of The Actual Pinball Wizard - who died giving the X-Men a day off and a $50 bottle of nice whiskey.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Vote On What Mutant Power You Want
Click below to get to the site to do the voting.
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Science fiction and comics are full of mutants and aliens whose superpowers defy various laws of physics. Shape-changers who can alter their mass, people who can fly -- in space, even! -- and guys who can produce extreme cold or heat on cue. But in real life, the ability to negate just one of the laws of physics, whenever you felt like it, could turn you into a god. Which law of physics would you like to have a personal on/off switch for? 
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Accento - Killing You Softly With His Words
Accento was born Robert Frankstien in 1976 in a small suburb outside of Baltimore. It was 1988 while in elementrary school that he was double-dog-dared to take on local bully James Pecan in a tongue-twister battle of Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickles. That fateful battle would eventually put him on the world map.
Just as it seemed Robert was defeated, he looked deep inside himself and in a Dragon Ball-Z moment unleashed his full power. He then performed the Piper tongue twister followed seamlessly with Six sick slick slim sycamore saplings, A box of biscuits, a batch of mixed biscuits, A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.......
and just as his hair began to stand on end, he went into warp speed and shouted.
Accento went on to produce three number one selling rap albumns. Hordes of women would flock to him after shows from the rumor of his mutant-powered tongue strength. Accento was on top of the world. It seemed nothing could stop him. Unfortunatly, his mutant stength proved useless in battle.
In a rage of jealousy 50-cent killed Accento with three glock-9 shots to the chest, stating "thake that you sthilly bith." Accento died at the age of 31. At his funeral the Micro-Machines guy showed up and paid his respects.
Just as it seemed Robert was defeated, he looked deep inside himself and in a Dragon Ball-Z moment unleashed his full power. He then performed the Piper tongue twister followed seamlessly with Six sick slick slim sycamore saplings, A box of biscuits, a batch of mixed biscuits, A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.......
and just as his hair began to stand on end, he went into warp speed and shouted.
Betty Botter had some butter,Robert Frankstien died that day, and Accento was born.
"But," she said, "this butter's bitter.
If I bake this bitter butter,
it would make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter--
that would make my batter better."
So she bought a bit of butter,
better than her bitter butter,
and she baked it in her batter,
and the batter was not bitter.
So 'twas better Betty Botter
bought a bit of better butter.
Accento went on to produce three number one selling rap albumns. Hordes of women would flock to him after shows from the rumor of his mutant-powered tongue strength. Accento was on top of the world. It seemed nothing could stop him. Unfortunatly, his mutant stength proved useless in battle.
In a rage of jealousy 50-cent killed Accento with three glock-9 shots to the chest, stating "thake that you sthilly bith." Accento died at the age of 31. At his funeral the Micro-Machines guy showed up and paid his respects.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Perspiron: Pore Control Extradoinare
It took some convincing on the part of Perspiron to prove his claimed ability. An in-depth interview in the meat refrigeration unit to truly observe the quality of his powers. After coming to terms with and learning how to control his porous capability, he was actually able to make quite good use of it. Now, the interesting part of his "ability" was that it had absolutely no effect on others. Perspiron had the unique trait of being able to completely control the output AND input of his pores. Imagine battling someone that was so lubricated with their own sweat, making it near impossible to have any kind of solid grip. Granted, when battling other mutants with powers that defied the laws of known physics, it might not be the most helpful asset. On the other, more human side of things, wrestling, basketball, boxing would be seemingly impossible, or at the very least an extreme nuisance against someone that sweat to the beat of a bathtub of K-Y.
At the age of 29, Perspiron was banned from the world of competitive sports and after a dramatically failed attempt at bottling and marketing his own output, Perspiron decided to take his own life. The guest speaker at his funeral was Patrick Ewing, one of the sweatiest Knicks to ever play the game and a great admirer of Perspiron's career.
At the age of 29, Perspiron was banned from the world of competitive sports and after a dramatically failed attempt at bottling and marketing his own output, Perspiron decided to take his own life. The guest speaker at his funeral was Patrick Ewing, one of the sweatiest Knicks to ever play the game and a great admirer of Perspiron's career.
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